There Isn't Enough Money in the World...

... to make me take that prescription anymore!
I have been taking Pamelor (Nortriptyline) for about 4 weeks, I have only worked up to 10 milligrams.  I have to say the last 2 weeks have been getting increasingly difficult for me.  Tapering off of Prozac pales in comparison.  I had some dizziness that tapered off after 2 days that my doc reassured me was probably the Prozac.
     So how about a list of all of my side effects for the nitty gritty on how I have been doing?  First I have been increasingly irritible  and down right short tempered over the month.  My patience is nearly non-existent.  I became dizzy again (mild) the last few days with only two instance when I had to sit down.  This may be because of the prozac but I don't think so at this point, it's been too long.   It was worse today as perhaps a withdrawal symptom, I don't know.   I also feel increasingly hyperactive, mostly mentally, althoug it seemed a bit better since stopping the medication last night.  And I am really hungry!  People have been known to gain weight on this medication and I can see why.  I am an angry, walking snickers commercial, since I am a bit hypoglycemic anyway.  My memory seems kind of poor, but that could be in part due to the fact that I felt so hy-look a squirrel... sorry... hyper.  And anxiety?  I woud have to say yes, I've had some.
   I document all this because I think it means something to those of you who have experienced this with a medication, and I don't mind telling it like it is to those who might think treating depression with medication is an easy fix.  You can see why I wanted to cut and run.  I don't think I've had this much trouble with any medication I have taken so far.
     So what now?  I am taking a break from meds for at least a month.  I am honestly not sure what my baseline is.  There has been so much change lately, my doctor even hinted at it the last visit.  The last time I had nothing in  my system was about 3 years ago.  The thing is, I could be better off without medication and I don't know it, there seems to have been some sort of shift in my overall response to meds.  Hopefully I can get some insight from the experience.

     I wanted to mention to, that I have thougth more about the myths surrounding mental illness, there are so many.  I would like to talk about that more and maybe address some of them, perhaps one in each post.  And darn it all, I forgot about this cartoon.  It would have been perfect for the last post!

If Physical Diseases Were Treated Like Mental Illness

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Via: Robot-Hugs

Myths About Depression and Mental Illness

Written mid May 2014

Ooooohhh this could be so long!  There are many myths and misconceptions about depression and other mental illnesses that I feel need to be addressed by someone.  As you read this you could be asking yourself if you do something to perpetuate some of these myths?  Part of the problem is what you or others think it is or isn’t.  Breaking barriers are important in the fight towards wellness and awareness in others.  Many of the things I talk about here may seem like common sense, but well, common sense doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days.

Why you are depressed:  LACK OF EFFORT-- I think there is a general attitude (not everyone mind you) among some individuals that peolpe who are depressed aren’t trying very hard to live a good life or making poor lifestyle choices.  In some ways that is true.  Us crazy humans do all kinds of things to undermine our own mental health.  The underlying issue is not lack of effort however.  I find the individuals that suffer from depression are trying extremely hard, probably harder than the average person would to increase their happiness and well being.  It just isn’t working.  The effort to improve their situation or mood is not equal to a normal outcome.  When a normal or happy brain is exposed to exercise, socializing, religion or faith based experiences (church or other activities), good diet and rest, that individual is happier and healthier for it.  A depressed person does not respond the same way.

    I am in no way saying that a depressed person should not try to do these things, on the contrary, they should live as healthy a lifestyle as they can to promote wellness, but it is not the only factor for many people

IT’S JUST DEPRESSION.  IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS.  --Now before you start yelling “Honey who is the fool that said this to you?”  Relax, thinking about writing this blog post made me realize I used to think this myself.  There came a point in treatment that I had a general laid back attitude about my illness.  Some of that came from not really knowing where to turn or knowing what to do next to improve my prognosis.  I also think there is a point with any chronic illness that you wake up and smell your own sweat and realize you need to take care of yourself (and take a shower) and that you need to take care of the problem.  Depression is a mental illness and needs to be treated as such.  Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not serious, including yourself or that your symptoms aren’t real.  I don’t think I have to say it, but depression can kill you.

YOU DON’T LOOK SICK.--  There is a reason those facebook meme’s about “invisible illnesses” keep circulating.  This is a common misconception and one of the reasons I started this blog.  It is difficult to go around knowing others don’t believe you or just don’t understand what you are going through.  You may also present yourself differently in public than you would when you’re having a bad day at home.  Let’s face it, we have some pride in how we present ourselves.  That does not mean someone isn’t struggling.  I know someone that is coping with several illnesses, physical and mental.  She may show up to the occasional social gathering and be the life of the party.  Later that day however and possibly for several days after she will literally be bed ridden.  We still forget the advice "don't judge a book by it's cover", even if we have heard it a million times!

IF YOUR MEDICATION ISN’T WORKING DON’T TAKE IT.--  I don’t know how common this is but I have come across it.  I have been advised by laypersons to stop taking my medication since it isn’t working all that well.  What many don’t understand is that you are not supposed to go off of your medication without doctor’s advice.  For someone with a sensitivity like me, it is particularly important to taper off of the medication and to have a plan.  The problem is that many that suffer from depression know that their medication is not working perfectly but they also know that no meds at all will make them much much worse.  You have to follow your instincts and really think about going off of medication just like you would if your are thinking about starting medication.

PEOPLE WHO WON’T TAKE MEDICATION FOR MENTAL ILLNESS SHOULD BE FORCED TO.--  I am hoping seeing this thought in print points out what is wrong with this statement.  Patients have rights for a reason.  If someone chooses not to take medication for their condition they probably have good reason.  I particularly understand this since I have battled sensitivity.  For many mentally ill individuals, what the cure does to them is worse than the illness.  I am not saying that I approve of this approach, but I understand it.  Many people do not have proper guidance to navigate the world of taking psychiatric drugs.  I believe we truly have a mental health crisis in America.  And the statement that “we have the best healthcare in the world if you can afford it” definitely applies here!  Those that are very dangerous in prison or a lock down facility is a whole other argument.  Hopefully those individuals are under the care of a good doctor.

There are probably many more myths that I could address here but this is a good start.  What myths do you think there are about depression and mental illness?

Intro to Why I Am Starting a Blog, and My Story

Written in May 2014

    I have been a depression sufferer for most of my life.  It runs in my family pretty strongly so I have been dealing with it in myself or a family member my whole life.  

    When I had my first child, it got out of hand.  I had never taken medication before, even though it probably would have been beneficial to me earlier in my life under the right circumstances.  I have taken depression meds in one form or another for a little over 10 years.  about a year ago, I started having real trouble.  Last spring and summer was one of the hardest times of my life and I didn’t know what was wrong with me or the medication I was taking but something had to change.  Through a friend of my husbands I came to the decision that I needed to go see a prescribing psychiatrist instead of my family doctor.  For whatever reason they did not understand what was happening to me and could not seem to help me.  I had tried several meds over the years and there had been something wrong with nearly everything at some point or other.

    I noticed that when I started a med that I would get better for a while and then decline by the time the medication came to full strength.  You have to take most depression meds for a month to 6 weeks to get the full effect.  

    Unfortunately as a new patient, the next appointment was 4 months away.  They did have a cancellation waiting list but I of course did not know when I would get an appointment.  I ended up making an appointment with another doctor because I did not know what else to do.  I also decided that I could not take my medication anymore.  I got the feeling that something was very wrong with what I was taking and I needed to do something about it, so I started tapering off of it.  I have never done that without a doctor’s okay but I was confident that by tapering off of it  would be doing myself a favor.  I also figured I would not be taking the same medication after I saw the new doctor.  In short, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

    I went to the new doctor and was a bit disappointed in the experience.  Unfortunately (as I realized later on) I was still a bit foggy on what was happening and why, and I was not clear enough to the new doctor about what didn’t work for me with a medication I took for 3 years.  He assumed that it could work for me again.  At the time I took the meds not because it worked so spectacularly but because I was pregnant with and then nursed my daughter for a year after.  I did not have time to fiddle with meds and it was good enough at the time.  I didn’t even fill the prescription.  I have never done that in my entire life after a doctor’s visit, but I just didn’t feel right about it.

    I was finally in luck.  That afternoon the first doctor’s office called about a cancellation the next week.  I thought about it for a few hours and called them right back even though I had just been in to see the other doctor that day.

    So it all boils down to this.  When I went to see the new doctor he figured out that I was sensitive to the medication.  SSRIs are a common group of anti-depressants (Prozac and Zoloft) that work for a lot of patients, but I have had something go wrong with just about all of them because of the sensitivity I have.  So, I was getting better at first and then declining as the medication built up fully in my system.  At this appointment I had tapered off of my medication enough that I came out of my “fog”.  I was thinking much more clearly taking little or no medication and I was better able to communicate what I was experiencing with my doctor.

    Here is the problem for me, and for some others with a sensitivity.  Many doctors either do not know it exists, or will not acknowledge it as a real problem.  You have to find a clinician that understands what is happening to you and will treat you accordingly.  The doctors I had seen previously did not check for signs of being overmedicated, either because I was taking fairly low doses, or out of ignorance to that problem.

    How did I cope with all this?  Sometimes, not well at all.  I became cranky and I know it was hard on my marriage and family, particularly when we didn’t understand what was going on. I was also pretty spacey much of the time or even apathetic.  I referred to it as feeling zombieish, if that’s a word! I started gardening that summer and it literally saved me.  The joy of watching things grow was a real strength and a good escape for me.  Going out and digging in the dirt is a great way to let off steam.  Creativity is very helpful.  I love loom knitting and crochet as well.  I also enjoy learning about makeup and skin care products.  I love books too, but sometimes when things are at their worst, I have a hard time concentrating on what I am reading.

    My hope is that through my experiences, I could help someone else with their depression or mental illness.  Also from a completely self centered point of view, it is therapeutic to write about it.