I have been a depression sufferer for most of my life. It runs in my family pretty strongly so I have been dealing with it in myself or a family member my whole life.
When I had my first child, it got out of hand. I had never taken medication before, even though it probably would have been beneficial to me earlier in my life under the right circumstances. I have taken depression meds in one form or another for a little over 10 years. about a year ago, I started having real trouble. Last spring and summer was one of the hardest times of my life and I didn’t know what was wrong with me or the medication I was taking but something had to change. Through a friend of my husbands I came to the decision that I needed to go see a prescribing psychiatrist instead of my family doctor. For whatever reason they did not understand what was happening to me and could not seem to help me. I had tried several meds over the years and there had been something wrong with nearly everything at some point or other.
I noticed that when I started a med that I would get better for a while and then decline by the time the medication came to full strength. You have to take most depression meds for a month to 6 weeks to get the full effect.
Unfortunately as a new patient, the next appointment was 4 months away. They did have a cancellation waiting list but I of course did not know when I would get an appointment. I ended up making an appointment with another doctor because I did not know what else to do. I also decided that I could not take my medication anymore. I got the feeling that something was very wrong with what I was taking and I needed to do something about it, so I started tapering off of it. I have never done that without a doctor’s okay but I was confident that by tapering off of it would be doing myself a favor. I also figured I would not be taking the same medication after I saw the new doctor. In short, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I went to the new doctor and was a bit disappointed in the experience. Unfortunately (as I realized later on) I was still a bit foggy on what was happening and why, and I was not clear enough to the new doctor about what didn’t work for me with a medication I took for 3 years. He assumed that it could work for me again. At the time I took the meds not because it worked so spectacularly but because I was pregnant with and then nursed my daughter for a year after. I did not have time to fiddle with meds and it was good enough at the time. I didn’t even fill the prescription. I have never done that in my entire life after a doctor’s visit, but I just didn’t feel right about it.
I was finally in luck. That afternoon the first doctor’s office called about a cancellation the next week. I thought about it for a few hours and called them right back even though I had just been in to see the other doctor that day.
So it all boils down to this. When I went to see the new doctor he figured out that I was sensitive to the medication. SSRIs are a common group of anti-depressants (Prozac and Zoloft) that work for a lot of patients, but I have had something go wrong with just about all of them because of the sensitivity I have. So, I was getting better at first and then declining as the medication built up fully in my system. At this appointment I had tapered off of my medication enough that I came out of my “fog”. I was thinking much more clearly taking little or no medication and I was better able to communicate what I was experiencing with my doctor.
Here is the problem for me, and for some others with a sensitivity. Many doctors either do not know it exists, or will not acknowledge it as a real problem. You have to find a clinician that understands what is happening to you and will treat you accordingly. The doctors I had seen previously did not check for signs of being overmedicated, either because I was taking fairly low doses, or out of ignorance to that problem.
How did I cope with all this? Sometimes, not well at all. I became cranky and I know it was hard on my marriage and family, particularly when we didn’t understand what was going on. I was also pretty spacey much of the time or even apathetic. I referred to it as feeling zombieish, if that’s a word! I started gardening that summer and it literally saved me. The joy of watching things grow was a real strength and a good escape for me. Going out and digging in the dirt is a great way to let off steam. Creativity is very helpful. I love loom knitting and crochet as well. I also enjoy learning about makeup and skin care products. I love books too, but sometimes when things are at their worst, I have a hard time concentrating on what I am reading.
My hope is that through my experiences, I could help someone else with their depression or mental illness. Also from a completely self centered point of view, it is therapeutic to write about it.
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